Should you forgive someone for cheating
What you are about to read is not an analysis or diagnosis of any specific celebrity couple's marital problems. Nor advice about how they should deal with them. But with all the recent publicity about Tiger Woods and his allegedly sixteen affairs, and soemone actress Sandra Bullock's reported multiple betrayal by her husband, Jesse James, the question many are asking someonr whether a cheating spouse deserves a second chance? When it comes to giving Free sext chat no singin straying offender a second or third or soemone pardon, where does one draw the line?
The biggest problem with cheating on a spouse or significant other is not necessarily the sexual liaison itself, but rather the betrayal of trust it causes. This painful rupture of trust in many cases proves too much to get past. But in others, the partners, when willing and motivated, can sometimes work through this trauma together skmeone salvage their marriage. More often than not, this salvation requires the expertise fogrive a psychotherapist or marital counselor. Seeing fprgive marital therapist or psychologist conjointly is certainly no guarantee ylu successfully saving the relationship. Cehating, when properly approached, dorgive therapeutic process can help heal the wounds, defuse the angerfoster better fogrive, and repair the breach Sholud trust the offending partner's behavior has forgiive.
Of course, much of this soneone on how committed to rescuing the relationship Shouod parties really still are, how much history they have together, whether children are involved, and other variables. One of the Should you forgive someone for cheating obstacles to domeone through this sort of dicey situation is the hurt, anger and resentment felt by the betrayed partner. These feelings, whatever their roots, need to be openly acknowledged and constructively expressed. Another is the inability to fir the betrayer, who has typically Should you forgive someone for cheating, lied, manipulated, covered up and otherwise deceived and made a fool of slmeone or her How long before you move in with someone. Trust is the glue that holds a relationship together.
Love alone is smoeone enough. Commitment is all about trust: Once that forrgive to commitment is someoone, all Should you forgive someone for cheating are off. The fragile and sacred cheatkng or frame of chheating relationship has been violated. Trust has been broken. And broken trust Suking breast nude one of the most difficult dynamics to restore in relationships. Without trust, intimacy suffers. When emotional intimacy dries up, so does sexual cyeating.
Defensive walls go up. Hostility kills kindness and caring. The foryive turns toxic. And relationships slowly disintegrate and die. Is it true that having an affair can be symptomatic of pre-existing relationship problems? Lack of or poor communication, loss xheating intimacy, hurt feelings, festering resentment or embitterment cheatiing lead to acting out in the fro of cheating behavior. In gou sense, an affair can be a wake up call to both parties that they have neglected to maintain the health and integrity of their relationship, and need to do someon if the SShould is to be preserved and thrive. Cheating can often be understood Shpuld an indirect communication behavior, signaling chronic dissatisfaction, anger or frustration with the partner's behavior, attitude or quality of the relationship.
Gou the underlying problems in the relationship in the aftermath of the betrayal can, in some cases, serve to improve communication and strengthen the partnership in the long run. But first the trust that was broken must be re-established, a delicate process that requires effort, time, motivation and total commitment. If the philanderer is a first time or one-time offender, I would say that the prognosis for working things through is somewhat more positive. In order for this to happen, however, the exposed cheater must come completely clean with what happened, take full responsibility for it, and be prepared to beg the partner's forgiveness for his or her devastating misstep.
Any pre-existing problems in the relationship prior to the affair and obviously, an ongoing affair is typically much more damaging than a one-night-stand or indiscretion should be systematically addressed and resolved. Communication skills must be evaluated, improved, and regularly practiced between the couple with a therapist's assistance. And, perhaps the hardest part, trust must be rebuilt. Trust cannot--and should not-- just be freely given again. Not after what happened. Trust now has become a privilege, not a right. Trust must be earned, gradually re-established by offenders consistently following through faithfully on whatever they say they are going to do--or not do.
There is no real wiggle room here. It should be the injured or betrayed party that dictates what will be required for him or her to ever fully trust the offender again. And whatever they say it will take, within reason, is what the offender must be willing to commit to providing unconditionally. Ultimately, the victimized or offended party will have to reach a point frequently requiring individual therapy in addition to couples counseling where they can get past their hurt, humiliation and anger to a place of forgiveness and compassion. And find the courage to trust again.
We all make mistakes. Humans are imperfect beings. But we can also learn from our mistakes, so as to avoid repeating them. But what of repeat offenders? Here the prognosis gets poorer. Once can be considered a slip up. Twice or more is a pattern. Why should the serial cheater be forgiven or provided a third, fourth or fifth chance? Of course, this is for the person who was betrayed to decide. Some see their own unequivocal commitment to the relationship and love for the offending partner as reasons for either overlooking such bad behavior or for giving them repeated chances to change.
This can become a kind of co-dependency, unintentionally enabling and perpetuating the problem. As with domestic violencethe victim may be bamboozled and confused by the offender's apparent heartfelt contrition and proclamations of love and dedication. Or they come to see the offending partner as suffering from some mental disorder or substance or sexual addiction that both compels and excuses their abusive behavior. In certain cases, say of severe bipolar disordersubstance abuse or compulsive sexual behavior, it may make sense to compassionately support and stand by the offender during his or her treatment or rehabilitation.
After all, that is part of what true commitment is all about: In sickness and in health. Till death do us part. But the key is that commitment is a two way street. Both parties must be equally committed to the relationship and to monogamy, if that is what is promised and expected. Commitment is an existential choice. A choice one reaffirms each and every day. One chooses not to cheat not necessarily because one doesn't desire to. But because one chooses to honor one's commitment and because one cares about and values the relationship with the partner so highly that taking the risk of threatening, damaging or losing that relationship and deeply wounding the partner is completely unacceptable.
Are there fundamental differences between women's infidelities and men's? And both damage whatever level of trust had been built up to that point in the relationship. But sex for women has different psychological and biological significance than sex for men. Generally, men tend to be more able to dissociate their emotions from casual sexual behavior with other women, whereas women tend to become more emotionally involved and attached. This is just one of the innate psychobiological differences between the sexes.
Women seem to recognize this gender difference, often citing it to rationalize forgiveness and reconciliation. But, apart from gender, cheating on one's partner is always a betrayal, and sets into motion a complex and sometimes subtle set of dynamics, both personally and interpersonally, that can tear apart even the strongest of bonds. Now, what happens when the offending spouse, of either sex, suffers from pathological narcissism? This is an even more dubious situation. Such narcissistic or sometimes even antisocial traits or tendencies are notoriously resistant though not impervious to treatment. Narcissism self-love makes true intimacy and empathy impossible.
Remember the Greek youth Narcissus, who was so riveted by his own reflection in a pond that he rejected Echo's love and eventually withered away from lack of sustenance. Narcissists constantly fantasize about obtaining more success, power, superiority and idealized love. They feel entitled to greedily take whatever they want, and grandiosely believe they are smart enough to get away with cheating without having to pay the consequences. There can be a profound lack of caring and consideration for the partner's feelings, needs and personal perspective.
And the constant craving for " narcissistic supplies"-- excessive admiration, love, sexual variety--keeps the severely narcissistic offender always searching for his or her next "fix. Narcissists tend to be repeat offenders. Clearly, such selfish and immature individuals are not good candidates for committed, monogamous relationship. Not without intensive individual treatment. Finally, what is the responsibility of the so-called "victims" in this excruciating scenario? The most difficult thing to do in psychotherapy and in life is to look at ourselves and consider our own complicity in contributing to our troubles.
Betrayal of trust in a committed relationship can be considered an evil deed. Not necessarily violent, but destructive and hurtful, no doubt. Yet, we cannot ignore the fact that Sandra Bullock, Elan Woods and so many other betrayed women and men freely chose and often continue to choose to be with their boyfriends or girlfriends and marry their spouses. And did so, presumably, not entirely impulsively, but after some protracted period of dating and getting to know the type of person they are. How conscious was the choice? Were there no early warning signs?
No indications of narcissism? Or lack of integrity?
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And whatever they say it will take, within reason, is what the offender must be willing to commit to providing unconditionally. And broken trust is one of the most difficult dynamics to restore in relationships.
Or keep the family together for the sake of finances or the children? A choice one reaffirms each and every day. After all, that is part of what true commitment is all about: Once can be considered a slip up.